Cover Me!
by airbolt
Summary: The very silly side of the Professionals
1. Wipe out

The Ford Capri tore across London to an abandoned warehouse. Bodie and Doyle were all "tooled up". Bodie had a B.A.R , Uzi, 50 Cal and a couple of potato mashers. Doyle had some brass knucks, harsh words and a wistful smile.

" 'Ere Doyle, 'owcum you always see the best in people when all we come across are scumbags! " growled Bodie , adjusting his ammo.

" What goes around comes around. People listen to reason. If that fails I hit them with a two by four" said Doyle " Look out, there's some cardboard boxes right in the way "

" You pillock , you 'it those cardboard boxes. You get your licence from a packet of frosties? " Bodie asked

" Leave it out, pal. I'm doing nearly thirty here! " grimaced Doyle

" 'Oo is the villain this week then? " said Bodie

" We 'ad the exotic villain from africa last week. Then the angry hippies week before that. So that leaves the ex-army major gone potty! "replied Doyle

" Fair do! 'Ere , did you notice that Cowley got shot in " The Ipcress File" and yet he's still alive! "mentioned Bodie

" Schtumm, mate, we never talk about that! " whispered Bodie

The deadly duo reached the abandoned warehouse and pulled up with smoking tires

" You can't park 'ere! " said the NCP parking attendent

" We're the professionals, pal. Now keep your nose out of it, alright?" roared Bodie

" It's Two quid for an hour " insisted the attendent

" Can I shoot him? " said Bodie

" Just give him the money. Let's get the villain. Cue the music " relied Doyle

The army major stood on a factory roof . He had a remote control attached to his wrist with a chain.

" I'm ready to wipe out North London with this rather implausibly cheap device! " the major said.

" Maybe we should let him. I'm a Chelsea fan myself "said Bodie

" I'll try and talk to him " said Doyle " Meanwhile you sneak over there and try and shoot holes in him! "

" 'Old on my son " said Bodie " That's a remote from an old Ferguson TV. I reckon that majors bluffing"

" 'Ere Pal " Bodie shouted to the major " You're full of hot air, chum. That remote is aload of rubbish. I'm gonna take it and stick it…"

Just then , the major pressed the button and north London was vaporised.

" I reckon Cowley might 'ave a few words when we get back to the office! " said Bodie

" Ee might 'ave a job! Remember where 'is office is? " laughed Doyle


	2. All clear

It was time for the next mission. Cowley started the briefing in his usual manner

" Auchtermuchty, Troon , Gorbals, Fried Mars Bar, Ronnie Corbett, Tha noo! " he said .

" Tom Wells has broken out of Hyde High Security and is coming after Bodie? " said Doyle

" Sassenach , Numpty, Iona, Sauchiehall, Galloway, right enough" Cowley went on.

" He hasn't forgiven me for the illicit affair with his 23 year old Thai girlfriemd who worked as a Clippie on the Number 23 Bus to Highgate?" said Bodie

" Robbie Burns, Highland fling, mull of kintyre, Glasgow kiss, Jimmy! " finished Cowley

" Couldn't be any clearer ! " said Bodie and Doyle as they ran off to the Ford Capri.


	3. Get him

The Ford Capri did a J-turn into the parking spot narrowly beating an Austin Allegro driven by a pensioner.

" Too slow , Grandad !" Bodie jeered at the old man in his flat cap. The old man made a rude gesture at Bodie.

Doyle caught the glint of Bodie's 9mm Pistol leaving it's shoulder holster.

" Leave it! He's old enough to be yer Grandad ! " said Doyle. Bodie fumed and got out of the Capri . His flares flapped in the breeze. Doyle got out the car after carefully checking it was locked.

" So , we've got a snout in that boozer? " said Bodie , his hand feeling inside his leather jacket to ensure his cosh was in place.

" Too right. Cowley reckons this grass is solid gold" said Doyle , tucking in his cheesecloth shirt.

The Rancid air inside the pub spoke of Players cigarettes, Scotch eggs and stale farts. The grass was playing pool on his own in the fuggy corner of the Bar. Bodie grabbed his ball.

" 'Ere that's not nice, Guv! " complained the Grass " You must be the filth! "

" Careful , Weasel " sneered Bodie " You wouldn't last two minutes in this gaff if we blew your cover! "

" Alright , Chief , no need fer that! " the Grass whimpered " I got the info on Billy Davies. You lot 'ave been looking fer him? "

" So far we're listening " said Doyle. Davies was a notorious Scottish scumbag who had been banged up in Wandsworth for GBH, Arson , drugs, pimping and also overdue library books. He had managed to turn one of the screws. The screw was in trouble. He had put a monkey on a pony and come up short. Davies told the screw he could fix it with Big Jim and he got out of jail free.

" That's Davies right-hand man over there " said the grass " His names Dave McKay . 'ees a right nutter and I think 'ees tooled up ".

" No problem " said Bodie " Let's follow this scumbag "

Mckay left the pub. Bodie and Doyle had a quick pint of Watney's Red Barrel and followed. McKay turned down the Old Kent Road in his powder blue Jag.

" Nice Car…for a lowlife" said Bodie

" Yeah , I prefer the Triumph Spitfire myself." Said Doyle. " 'ees spotted us . Quick , put the chase music on the Eight-track! "

Bodie fumbled for the bulky chase music cartridge

BAW-OO UH BURHH DUH DUH BURHH DUH DUH DER DER DER DER DUH DUH

Doyle flung the Capri into a spin and pulled away. The Jag was alright in a straight line but was rubbish at corners. The chase was approaching some waste ground near Euston railway arches.

" Waste Ground! " Bodie and Doyle yelled " That means the the chase is finished! Ram him! "

The Capri sideswiped the Jag which went spinning into some empty cardboard boxes and blew up.

McKay was thrown clear.

Bodie picked him up roughly " Alright Jock, where's your oppo? "

McKay snarled at him " Go and boil yer head , yer southern nancy! "

Bodie then administered the technique officially known as " a right good kicking ". Doyle looked on with a pained look. If only the scumbags would co-operate then the world would be a better place.

" Alreet , that's enough the noo! " said McKay " 'Ees gone oop north to a grotty dump in Derby . Reckoned nobody would know him there"

" there , wasn't that easy ? " said Bodie.

" I reckon we let plod pick him up " said Doyle " After all , I've never been north of Watford Gap"

" Result! " said Bodie " Lets have a nosh up at the Wimpy"

" You're braver than I thought! " laughed Doyle


	4. Orders Part 1

" What's this Department S anyway, I've never 'eard of 'em! " ranted Bodie

" Yeah , whats with them sending one of their agents to work with us? " Doyle for once was as fired up as his partner.

" Ochh , settle doon , laddies " said Cowley " This comes from the verrry top. We have to co-operate wirh Department S on this case "

" Oh yeah , it all sounds like cobblers , if i might be frank, Sir " said Bodie , adjusting the crease of his flares.

" You may not be frank , Bodie! " said Cowley " I've got Whitehall with a firmmm grip on mah sporran so you can lump it . Go and meet this agent at the Lazy Lob Wine Bar near Wimbledon ."

" Whats the fellas name?" said Doyle

" Jason King " said Cowley " He's developed a bit of a reputation with the ladies"

The chastened pair made their way to the Garage. Past a Triumph Spitfire, a Jaguar Mark X, a Jaguar E-Type and a Jensen Intercepter.

" Ladies man, my backside! " mumbled Bodie " I'm the king of the swingers around here "

" King of the Jungle , more like " said Doyle , who thrust the Capri into the traffic. After the usual jam they approached the Lazy Lob and parked outside. Bodie noticed a Bentley outside.

" 'ow much are they payin' 'im? " said Bodie.

Inside the rather louche interior of the Wine Bar a raffish figure was holding court . He had shoulder length hair and a viva zapata mustache. His suit was a rather sudden check arrangement with flares that outshone Bodies..There were two Dolly birds hanging on his every word.

" Then I'm afraid I had to give the fellow a proper thrashing …" Jason King regaled the ladies " Ah , the two gentlemen from the rough and tumble brigade. Must toodle off. "

He moved to introduce himself.

" Did he say Jason King . Looks more like Jason Queen to me " said a very jealous Bodie

" I say , you must be Bogie and Royal" ventured King " from the house of intrigue that is CI5"

" I'm Bodie. He's Doyle" grimaced Bodie

" Quite " said King " Now , I've just got to finish this pimms and then I'll fill you in! "

Bodie and Doyle looked alarmed.

(TBC )


	5. Order Part 2

They made an odd trio sitting at a Wine Bar table. A muscle man , a wiry ex-copper and an aristocratic fop.

" So Colonel Schtum is developing a toxin designed to rid people of all their inhibitions " said King

" Sounds like Brew Eleven! " said Doyle. The two partners laughed

" A-hem" continued King " His secret laboratory is located in the jungles of Coco Rico. which , coincidentally , look an awful lot like Pinewood . His right hand man is Johann Kartoffel , who incidentally only has one arm "

" His right hand only has one arm " giggled Doyle , stuffing a hankie into his mouth

" 'Ee must be a one-armed bandit " laughed Bodie

" Really, I'm not sure you chappies are taking this terribly seriously " said King , who was fairly miffed.

" Sounds like James Bond on the cheap" said Bodie

" I know where I've seen you now" Doyle had a flash of inspiration " Weren't you rescued from a mountain with that fat-faced bloke and the tasty blonde bird?"

" No , that was the Champions. Now can we get on with it?" said King

" Keep your cravat on , mush" said Bodie " We like to 'ave a laugh in CI5"

" I expected as much when I saw your haircut" rejoined King " If we can get back to Colonel Schtum? His Headquarters is filled to the brim with highly trained henchmen wearing identical tracksuits and French World War one helmets. "

" There's only three in this picture! " protested Doyle

" Er , the others are just off camera . Really " King said unconvincingly..

" So what are we waiting for ? " said Bodie " Lets fly to Coco Rico and clean this Geezer's clock! "

Just then a parcel arrived. It was a film reel marked " Old footage of Boeing 707 taking off "

Bodie and Doyle looked puzzled

" It's how things work in Department S" said King " Once we get the footage of the jungle we can get a taxi to Pinewood"

"I'm very confused " said Doyle " Mind you , all that racket from the Builders isn't helping. What are they up to? "

" I think they're breaking down the fourth wall " said King

( TBC )


	6. Tarquin of the FO

Cowley exploded . " If the scrambled egg brigade want him on the strength then we have tae go along wi 'it. D'ya ken?"

Bodie replied " We arent tryin to pull a moody , gaffer , but do we 'ave to babysit a chinless wonder from the f.o . I mean this whole oppo could go south. "

Doyle " Yeah , Gaffer, we've been sitting on Collins for four weeks . This herbert could blow the gaff! "

Cowley " This isnt a democracy Gentlemen , despite what the daily papers might say. So get your backsides out of my office and down to Horseguards. His name is Tarquin Rowland-Jenkins .

Bodie : " What else! "

The mood inside the Capri was matched by a light drizzle. Doyle swung the Capri into Horseguards and parked . Inside the victorian edifice , Bodie and Doyle felt like kids from the secondary modern inside a public school. They found the chinless wonder's office.

Rowland-Jenkins greeted them and ushered them to a table. A stenographer from the pool was on hand. A two pint screamer thought Bodie.

This was the transcript of their conversation :

**TRJ** – Tarquin Rowland-Jenkins

**BOD-** Bodie

**DOY-**Doyle

**BOD** – Right , The body we're after is one Max Alan Collins, a Grade-A blagger from Streatham. Used to do kneecap work for the Thompsons then moved up from GBH to blags.A bit tasty!

**TRJ** – Tasty?

**DOY** – Too right. 'Ees got more form than Ladbrokes. Likes to mix it up but generally goes around tooled up

**TRJ** – Tooled up?

**BOD** – Shooters, mate! Usually sawn offs . Reckons 'ees a bit 'andy!

**TRJ** – 'andy?

**DOY** – Puts it about! Likes a bit of aggro

**TRJ** – Ah

**BOD** – So we reckon that we oughta turn over his gaff!

**TRJ** – Gaff?

**DOY** – Yeah , Give his drum a spin. ;'ee might start brickin it!

**TRJ** – Eh?

**BOD** – 'Ee might ave it away in his jam jar

**TRJ** – Jam Jar?

**DOY** – Motor. Try and keep up. 'As 'ee got a piece on the side?

**TRJ** – Like a trollop?

**BOD** – That's the ticket! What if we give 'er a tickle?

**TRJ** – I'm sure that's against judges rules

**DOY** – We might make 'er cough

**TRJ** – That's what I'm afraid of!

**BOD** – We might get 'er to turn queens

**TRJ** – I'm totally lost

**DOY** – We nab 'is bird, give 'er some rabbit . Then we giv 'im a pull

**TRJ –** Now that's definitely against judges rules!

**BOD** – I've been meaning to ask , Tarquin, where did you get that accent?

**TRJ** – Eton. Old sausage!

**BOD** : Well , I should stop eating old sausages then!

This joke copyright Spike Milligan


	7. Tarquin returns

"Where are we meeting chinless? " said Bodie , spinning the Capri on it's axis

" One of his poncey clubs " replied Doyle " Either Boodles or Blacks"

" Nahh , it was Annabella's wasn't it? " ventured Bodie. He wasn't averse to posh totty and apparently Annabellas was wall-to-wall crumpet.

He pictured himself sidling up to Joanna or Tamsin and giving them his rough-hewn charm . These posh birds always liked a bit of rough and there were few rougher than Bodie.

"Nahh , it's Blacks " said Doyle. Bodie eased the Capri up Shaftesbury Avenue and turned into Dean Street. The Doorman knew his stuff , took the keys and made damn sure the Capri was parked up securely. Barely six months out of stir , he knew the fuzz when he saw it.

"Nice" observed Bodie as he entered the oak panelled reception. The concierge was on the spot too , silently approaching the pair. He too had a chequered past and knew these two were connected to the F.O and therefore worthy of the grade A treatment.

"If you would care to follow me , Mr Rowland-Jenkins is waiting in the members library"

Tarquin rose to greet them . He was a different proposition in his own element and would not be as easily bamboozled.

"Gentlemen , Thank you for making time to meet up outside office hours " said Tarquin.

"Nuts to that " thought Bodie " Time and a half for this caper . Cowley wasn't going to stand still for double bubble "

"Nice place " started Doyle " Certainly beats my local Boozer"

"Indeed" replied Tarquin " It has a certain ambience"

"That's handy in case someone gets hurt " cracked Bodie and immediately regretted it

" You're worried about a mole" Doyle pressed on " You want help from CI5. Whats wrong with 9?"

"Ahh , well now that's a bit of a sticky wicket" Tarquin was uncomfortable " It turns out that 9 isn't as pukka as it might be"

"Pukka?" asked Bodie " Don't tell me someone in the hallowed halls is bowling googlies instead of playing a straight bat" He was deliberately trying to wind Tarquin up

" You might say that " replied Tarquin " To put it in your own vernacular, it seems that someone on the inside is as bent as a nine bob note!"

" What sort of bent ?" advanced Doyle " Are we talking power to the workers or bank account in the Bahamas?"

" Some form of honey trap , I'll warrant " mused Tarquin " Some well endowed doxy from the translation pool given carte blanche. Hard to tell but the compass is pointing east at the moment , old chaps"

Bodie was momentarily halted with visions of well endowed doxies. Doyle went on

" You want some clean hands …someone who doesn't know the Eton Boating song?"

"Quite " said Tarquin " Mr Cowley promised full co-operation"

" That's us then !" said Bodie " So who's the toe rag ?"

"Alleged Toe rag!" corrected Doyle

Tarquin rolled his eyes . It was going to be a long night.


	8. How Lazy

It was precisely 8.08 so Bodie knew it was time to be in bed. He was just getting his forty winks when the alarm on his bedside table rang.

"Schomeone's in trouble" he said, slightly slurred. He slipped into a powder blue tracksuit with white stripes.

"I need some Energy" he said and bounded to the fridge with a single leap. Quickly he downed two cans of Kestrel Super Strength lager and went for a very long wee.

" That'sh better" he said and did a couple of star jumps." I'm sure I got up for something"

ZZZZZZZZZZZ

What a lazy man!


End file.
